Recently, we have seen numerous celebrities, talented men with once stellar reputations, fall into disgrace due to credible allegations of serious sexual misconduct. John Lasseter, Charlie Rose, Jeffery Tambor, Kevin Spacey, Al Franken, just to name a few. You probably know the stories.
What is going on here? Why is the public “fall from grace” so immediate, total, and seemingly unredeemable?
The drama of these stories goes to the deepest core of individual character. This is about sexual integrity, a topic rarely discussed and not well understood.
A general understanding is that integrity is a function of whether a person’s words and actions align. Going deeper, we can say “when a person’s thoughts and actions align.” Applied this understanding to sex might imply that practicing sexual integrity involves living your sexual life in alignment with your sexual values.
However, our values can be flimsy, shaped by our experiences, our environment, or even by convenience. We want to live a certain kind of sexual life, so we simply shape our values to fit our preferences.
But pursuing a sexual life in alignment with flimsy sexual values sure does not sound like integrity. That’s because sexual behavior has a direct, deep, profound and lasting impact on other people. So, with sexual integrity, we need a more concrete, more reliable, more absolute reference point. Can you help us?
With some precision, how would you define “sexual integrity?”
What is the underlying reason(s) that public allegations of serious sexual misconduct can destroy an otherwise impeccable career?
What do the stories of these public figures tell us about the relationship between sexual integrity and reputation? Sexual integrity and character?
How could the concept of sexual integrity affect how you interact with your friends, coworkers, or significant other?
Please share your thoughts below
“living your sexual life in alignment with your sexual values” seems like a definition of “sexual integrity” that kicks the can down the road. What if your “sexual values” are to have as many sexual partners as possible? To me, elements of sexual integrity are honesty with sexual partners, not taking advantage of sexual partners, concern for their welfare, and responsibility for the children that result from sexual relationships. The “marriage oath”, ever since antiquity, in polygamous and monogamous cultures alike, as always been about these issues.
Thanks for the contribution Chris. I think at this point in history it is important to be both clear and limber in our understanding of how things ‘should be’. After helping hundreds of men recover from various forms of sexual complications (addictions, habits, compulsions), I have come to the conclusion that telling someone how they should live doesn’t add any value to their journey. Even to infer a moral stance does little to help someone in their journey. What is far more powerful is helping them to form a vision for their sexuality that conforms to their deeply held beliefs. That’s the starting point. As the world has become drastically more pornified, the socio-sexual norms have progressively plummeted to new lows. What was once considered cruel is now considered old-fashioned in many cases. With a society so steeped in the pervasive mythology of self-centered sexual lust, it seems necessary to… Read more »
Seems like you and I agree Andrew. The only point you make that I would take issue with is “helping them to form a vision for their sexuality that conforms to their deeply held beliefs”. Some deeply held beliefs are destructive. Encouraging someone to re-examine their beliefs is sometimes necessary. You express sexual “wholeness” as 5 virtues to my slightly-different 4, but the differences are superficial… with maybe the exception of “grace”, which I have not viewed as a virtue the way your other four are. If you mean grace in the religious sense, my understanding of the term is that it refers to divine assistance, which seems distinct from your other four, and not one that would be actionable for those who don’t believe is a deity but want to live a virtuous life. But maybe you are using “grace” in a different sense?
Glad we can kinda agree 🙂 Learning to express your deeply held beliefs is essential to understanding what you actually do believe. One exercise that we’ve initiated is getting people to create a ‘Northstar’ goal, which is a clear and actionable goal that guides their actions for 90 day periods. This has proved to be incredibly difficult for most people because they don’t know what they want. I would argue that if you don’t clearly know what you want, you also don’t have a deep relationship with your beliefs. People may have an emotional and/or visceral reaction to something (be it political, religious, etc), but I don’t think many are deeply acquainted with the details of their reactions. So, in a sense, their beliefs are acquaintances rather than deeply held. And again, this is an exercise to help people put into words what they believe in order to see more… Read more »
Amen!
Sexual Integrity is the ability to control and direct one’s own thoughts in a way that our higher spiritual mind is in control of our bodies. It is the foundation for all other forms of integrity as it gives one the power of self-awareness, discipline, and self-control; rare qualities in the world today.